Mirror Mirror on the Wall.....

Tell me what I am really... Am I a girl, grown up in a middle class family, with conservative value system? Or am I the bold version that I would like to present to the world!!!!! Or inside me am I the human being who is waiting to come out and prosper with complete freedom of mind and soul, without fear and inhibitions and with loads of faith and commitment
I am sure as long as this conflict is there I will not be what I am. But why am I even bothered with it? B'coz somewhere inside I have this feeling that the reason for this confused state of mind is because I dont know myself inside out, and whatever I know, I want to make it presentable to the people I love or the society in general. I have been fighting with this war between what I am and what I should be. And I think I am now fed up of pretentions. Why have I been making promises which I can't or don't want to fulfill? Why do I jump on to the wagon of justifications, the minute someone checks on me? Why do I visualize people and events with my responses as if it is a movie which I am directing? Why do I pretend to know everything around me? Why am I so insecure, so gullible and at times so stubborn that even though the most practical or logical reasoning falls flat before me? Is it that I am crazy, or some deeply frustrated soul, who finds escapes by day dreaming about every damn and absurd thing?

Why does one need to justify everything to someone? Can I not do something without checking or informing? Give me a break. I am not owned by someone else, so why try to control what I do or how I do? Does a relationship mean being owned by the other party? I understand love and care... But what bothers me is the misunderstanding that I should tell, inform and share everything.... I have my life.... I know what to do out of it..... Even if I dont know and Iend up messing it up, I am not holding anyone else responsible for it... I take the pain for the gain..... And why cant I have the freedom of doing things just like that? I  strongly believe that the most natural things happen all of a sudden. That's one thing...
The other thing is if I feel right about doing something, then why should I check with someone else on the same? That really leaves one to believe that there is some doubt within me that what I have done is not acceptable to someone very close... and since I don't want to upset, I will keep somethings to me only. Yes, I know that though I am hiding, I am not cheating!!!!

Is this cheating?????

Well..... A very strange thing happened.... No work sets the mind on the devils path!!!! If not devil, then some funny bone tickled and whooaaa.... I am out with a strange companion.....And what do I get??? Lot of talking and opening up and at the same time a guilt of having done something which is not socially acceptable.... If my intentions are good, why should I have this nagging feeling??? But what decides whether my intentions are good or bad? The so-called status in the society that I have or rather supposed to have!!!!! So what if I have gone out with someone discreetly??? Why I need to conform to the hang around standards????